Step into this scene:

You walk into a crowded party and are greeted by a sea of faces—most of them beaming smiles. But instead of a surge of curiosity, you feel an overwhelming sense of pressure. Then you imagine, “Are they thinking about me? Am I pretty enough? Are they looking at someone more beautiful than me? How can I appear more desirable? Please look at me. You don’t want to look at me? Well, you’re ugly.”

Now you know what it’s like to think like a narcissist. I do, too. Because that person used to be me.

A balanced human would think something along the lines of, “She’s beautiful–He looks fun–I want to get to know this person.” But then again, most people don’t have an enormous hole where their self-worth should be. Narcissists do.

The making of a narcissist:

Narcissists are usually talented and attractive people who skipped over one small detail in their formation: that life is about serving others. The satisfaction of knowing that our actions create value for others is what fills us with self-worth. Those who give freely have the most to give. Narcissists, on the other hand, feel the need to constantly take.
They think their self-worth is a result of what others give them. As a reformed narcissist, I grew up thinking that what I had to offer wasn’t good enough. So when I was called handsome or intelligent, I clung to those compliments as life preservers. And I did everything to perpetuate that image.

I pursued sexual relationships to feel validated. Instead of finding my worth and joy in the things I gave to others, I was entirely dependent on the praise of my natural endowments. I was powerless—jumping from one relationship to the next, sucking up as much pleasure as I could and bailing when things got rocky. And I exited each relationship with less confidence and sanity than I had to begin with.

The cycle drove me nuts. After my third live-in relationship, I seriously considered whether life was worth living. That’s when I knew I needed a serious change.

The unmaking of a narcissist:

I’d heard from famous speakers like Zig Ziglar that happiness lies in the giving. “You’ll get what you want if you just help enough other people get what they want,” he said. I was lucky enough to have been exposed to Zig’s messages when I was at rock bottom, living with my parents, jobless, and broken. Otherwise, I don’t know if I would’ve made it.

As it was, I took Zig’s messages to heart. A complete 180 was my only option, so I started helping others through the written word. But in order to stick with the whole “living for others” bit, I had to unlearn the selfish habits that had made me behave like a narcissist. It started with giving up porn.

Porn had always been my biggest crutch. Whenever I was bored, anxious, nervous, or unsure, I turned to porn. The dopamine release was like crack, which distracted me from any uncomfortable feelings I had. But there was one hitch: In all of that self-pleasure, I never actually learned a thing about myself—and I sure as hell didn’t think about making life better for others. It had to go.

The next thing I nixed was casual dating.

My friends and family had described me as a hopeless romantic because I was never happy out of love. As long as I was in a relationship, I didn’t have to shoulder the responsibility of fulfilling myself—I didn’t have to think about how I was making life better for others. If I was giving my girlfriend wild sex, and if the relationship was entertaining, I could lose myself till it ended, which it always did. And when it did, I focused on getting into another one so that I didn’t have to be lonely—so that I could lose myself. Giving wasn’t part of the equation, so I had to let the casual relationships go.

Finally, I gave up dependency.

Your life heads in the direction of your thoughts. When my habitual thoughts were about others serving me—like my mom and dad cooking, cleaning, and providing shelter for me—it was impossible to break out of my selfish patterns. But as I cured myself of narcissism, as I helped others through my writing, and as I grew my profession, I started thinking more about providing for myself. And then one day, I made the leap.

I had to think about myself to survive. I worked hard and improved as a writer so that I could eat, but the motivation wasn’t just for me. I wanted to eat so that I could write, and I wanted to write so that I could help others improve their lives. The better I got at providing for myself, the more valuable my messages became. And after one full year of living solo, I’d left narcissism in the mirror.

These three habits helped me transform:

1. Journaling was instrumental in my transformation.

I didn’t notice my thought patterns until I wrote them down day after day. When I started journaling, I could finally see those selfish thoughts and behaviors, plain as day. Then I’d replace the old thoughts and habits with better ones.

2. Planning out each day was another important step.

If I didn’t plan on being a better me after my journaling sessions, I wouldn’t have gotten very far. So I made concrete action steps that would make me a more confident, generous, selfless, and useful person, day after day. For instance: through journaling, I’d notice that I felt hopelessly dependent on other’s opinions of me when I spent too much time on Facebook. So, the next day, I’d plan to not use Facebook at all, opting for a self-improvement activity like reading or writing.

3. Affirmations were the third critical step in unlearning my narcissistic tendencies.

People who describe themselves as narcissists have an unedited mind that keeps spewing selfish and disempowering thoughts. Ick. When you hear a lie once, it’s just a lie. But when it’s repeated over and over and over and over, you’ll believe just about anything—no matter how insane it is. I believed I was worth nothing because that’s what I kept telling myself.

When I began making affirmations, I thought I was repeating lies. “I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am generous, I am capable, I am independent…” Bullshit, I thought. But as I stuck with the habit, I started believing in them. Then I started acting like I believed them. And then I was them. I realized I’d actually been those good things all along—it’s just that my mind was so programmed with junk that I couldn’t see the truth before.

We are all good—even those of us who behave narcissistically, like I did. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who behaves narcissistically, even if that person is you, it’s best to go solo and to focus on thinking and behaving like the intelligent and inspiring person you were born to be. Affirmations, journaling, and daily planners helped me make the change. So did giving up porn, casual relationships, and being dependent.

Article originally appeared on MindBodyGreen.com

You want a nice car. You want a nice house. You want lots of money so you can do everything you want. I get it. But those things aren’t going to make you successful.

It’s like Jim Carey said: “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”

There are millions of people who have everything money can buy and they’re still miserable. Then there are those who have it all on less than a dollar per day. What’s the difference?

It’s not what you have; it’s what you give. Success is a giving thing, and I figured it out the hard way.

My giving story

From the first time I watched porn, I was hooked on take. No matter how much I had, I always wanted more. So I took. And when porn wasn’t enough I stole. And when stealing wasn’t enough I turned to drugs. And when that was too tame, I looked for relationships. Then I could take, take, take until there was nothing left.

But the taking made me feel empty. So I tried to fill myself with more: more videogames, more drugs, more girlfriends, more porn…but the hole only got bigger.

By 23, I burned through three live-in girlfriends, 10 menial jobs, 2,000 packs of cigarettes, and all of my friends. After all that taking, I was left with nothing—not even my health.

Fortunately my family took me in. With nothing but time to reflect, I realized that if I wanted more, I had to start giving more. But what did I have to give? I was a 23 year-old homebody who was crippled by anxiety, beaten down by depression, chronically ill, and filled with fear. Who could I possibly help?

It turned out to be more than I could imagine.

4 years later, I make a buck and up a word doing the work I love. I’ve gained my independence. I’ve struggled for a good life. But, more than anything, I’ve given more than I’ve received.

How I started giving

I always wanted to be a writer. Since all of my relationships were fiascos, I figured I could at least give advice on what not to do. I didn’t want anyone to experience the heartache and insanity that I had gone through.

When I wrote, it was to heal broken hearts, and to inspire people to think before they jumped into a relationship. That was the first time I ever felt purpose. And that purpose got me published.

It was only small audiences at first, but I got feedback from people who could relate. “Thank you,” they said. “I needed to hear that.” Those first bits of feedback confirmed that giving was rewarding, so I continued my writing journey. As I got better, I strived to help more people find happiness in their relationships.

Switching over to a life of giving wasn’t easy—I had been a thief and sex addict.

I stumbled over my selfishness for months and months, and there were times when I was sure I’d never be anything, that I didn’t have anything to give in the first place. But selfishness hadn’t worked out for me, so I had to try something different.
I knew if I kept focused, and if I gave more every day, I’d eventually have everything I wanted. Like independence. And wealth. And a life I could be proud of.  I just had to keep at it.

What I gave up to give more

Part of my giving journey was cutting out selfish habits. Porn was one of the first things to go, then masturbation. None of those things inspired me to think outside of myself, or to be better than I was; they kept me locked into self-service, which was why I was a 23-year old still living with mom. I had to let ‘em go.

I also had to let go of my laziness and negative thinking. Rising above those habits was like freeing myself from a mental prison—I suddenly had more energy and more inspiration to create value. So I wrote more, and I wrote better.

Then I got more positive feedback from my audience. Then I was published on bigger sites. Then I felt more confident about who I was and what I was doing, and that confidence helped me take bigger risks, to expect more of myself, and to give more to more people. I started a positive feedback loop that took me higher ever day.

After my first giving year, I was a completely different person. I no longer felt drawn to people for what they could give me. For the first time in my life, I was pumped to share the good I was doing.

I gave, then created, then gave, and created, and I didn’t care what I got because I knew I was doing something useful, something that I loved, something I could be proud of. And that’s exactly when the money started coming in.

What I got by giving

I didn’t realize that in all of this giving I was receiving too. I earned discipline, confidence, commitment, patience, perseverance, responsibility, honesty, vulnerability, and everything I needed to succeed. And succeed I did.

All of my published work earned me full time writing jobs with major websites. I still lived with my parents, but I was able to save enough money in 4 months to move out on my own. And when I took the leap, I had faith to back me up. I knew God wouldn’t let me fail because I was giving everything I had to make life better for others.
But it wasn’t a cakewalk.

I scraped the bottom of the barrel for half a year and went through more hunger and uncertainty than I’d ever faced before. I ate more white rice than But when rent was due, I always had the money.
As I struggled to succeed, I had more value to share with people just like me who were trying to make it on their own. I wrote on an empty stomach more times than I can count, but my heart was full; I was giving everything I had.

After the first 6 months I finally made my break. I got published on Entrepreneur.com, which gave me access to a larger audience—more people to help. I gave that audience everything I had, and I wrote the best articles of my life. My performance didn’t go unnoticed.

Fitbit, the largest wellness company in the world, hired me as their wellness writer for a buck a word. A buck a word—that, if, and, the, but: that’s 5 bucks! Just the year before I was sleeping on my mom’s couch and arguing with my little sisters about who would pick up dog shit. Now I was writing for the best sites in the world and making more money than most writers do in their entire lives.

After more dollar-per-word contracts, and half a year of writing just for millennials like me, I decided to take my giving to the next level. I created a website where I could give every struggling millennial the directives they need to love life and be rich.

Giving has given me everything that I love: my career, my independence, my passion, my purpose. And the best part is, I’m not afraid to lose any of it. I know that the more I give, the more I receive, and the more I can serve. What could be better?

Conclusion

If you’re want more out of life, whether you’re at a dead end corporate job or living with your ‘rents, I want you to think about what you could give. What talents, experiences, and passions do you have that could make life better for others? What could you devote your life to in order to help more people? And what could you give up in order to give more?

Don’t sell yourself short.

I’m successful at 27, but 2 short years ago I was broke and hopeless, living on my mom’s couch, feeling like I had nothing to give. You always have something to give. You just have to believe that you’re the one to give it.

Directives:

If you want to give more, do (or don’t do) these 5 things every day:

Journal—writing every detail of your day helps you discover what makes you valuable, and what detracts from your value. So get to know yourself with 15 minutes of nightly journaling. Self-knowledge is your gateway to giving.

Porn—give it up. Replace it with useful things like journaling, reading, meditating, exercising, and anything that gives you more discipline and self-control.

Relationships—give them up too. Focus on you, on giving yourself everything you need to give selflessly. Resume relationships when you’re rich from all the people you’ve helped. Then you’ll be able to love someone for who they are, not for the insecurities you’re trying to fill.

*Channel all your sexual desire into self-improvement. It worked for me. Not only did I not go crazy and start molesting chickens, I created a career that will handsomely support my family, when the time comes.

Plan—No matter how good your intentions are, nothing good gets done unless it’s scheduled. So plan everything. Plan your studying. Plan your working. Plan your exercise. Plan everything you want to do, and everything you don’t want to do, like wasting time on Facebook, email, TV, etc.  Brainstorm what you’ll do tomorrow every night before you go to bed.

Affirmations—give yourself the things you need to step outside of yourself. Tell yourself how courageous, confident, valuable, useful, generous, capable, decisive, creative, bold, adventurous, loved, disciplined, patient, and awesome you are. You won’t believe these things until you get in the habit of telling them to yourself. Do affirmations three times a day.