Here’s A Different Spin on Sex

When it comes to your sexual drive, you’ve got two options: control it, or let it control you. Most people go for option #2. And for most of my life, I was no exception.

I craved porn as a kid, thinking it was normal—healthy, even. And for sex, I adopted the policy that most men do: whenever I can get it, and as long as it’s convenient. Which led to my first several relationships. And my first several heartbreaks.

Like most, I assumed I was doing it right, and that peaks of ecstasy and waves of anguish were par for the course. But then my life fell apart.

After my last live-in relationship, I sunk into a depression so deep that I considered taking my life. My health fell apart; I lost my mind; and the one thing I felt the least of was control.

So I blamed sex. It had to be sex’s fault, since it had gotten me into so much trouble. To spite evil, evil sex, I pretended I didn’t have a penis. I repressed all my urges, and thought I was taking the high road. But I still wasn’t in control.

I still lived with my parents. I still wasn’t living the life I wanted, or loving the life I lived. And I was beginning to have irrepressible sexual thoughts; compulsive even.

Evil, evil sex! At it again! Ruining my life! When will this end?!?! I thought. I felt like a powerless speck—a slave to all my bad decisions, and a rag-doll toy to the force of nature inside of me. Sexual desire, I will conquer you yet!

A person can only try something so many times before the effort becomes insanity. I would’ve been insane to carry on my relationships and sexual habits as I had done, as it had caused me so much grief. I would’ve been equally insane to continue repressing those urges, as much as it drove me nuts. But I’m not insane. After those two options failed, I experimented with a third way.

I harnessed my desire

I found sexual desire to be much like a wave. I could let it keep pummeling me into oblivion, and smashing me into bits and pieces. Or, I could study it, move with it, channel its force into forward momentum, and have fun with it, like a surfer. And like surfing, that took mindfulness.

Before, when the urge hit, I’d wax off to porn, chase some tail, or, in the later stages, pretend like I never had the urge in the first place. Not much thought involved. And none of those options advanced me personally. So, I trained myself to acknowledge the urge, to be grateful for it, and to direct that powerful energy into a life that I could be proud of.

Like any surfer just starting out, I wiped out. I fell back into old ways of doing things, and I let myself down. But, unlike the old me, I kept trying. I forgave myself. And I got better.

I learned how to stay present when the wave hit, and to keep my mind focused on what I really wanted. I wanted to be more disciplined, more successful, more grateful, more independent, and more selfless so that I could serve others through my talents. So I practiced that. I started regarding my sexual urges as reminders for what I hadn’t done when it came to my dream life. Take last summer for instance.

I was on a road trip driving from New Mexico to California. And for some reason I was being pummeled with desire, wave after wave of salacious thoughts. I tried to keep it at bay and just forget it, but it kept pounding me and pounding me. Then I reached for my higher self. I thought about all the husbands and wives who have difficulty controlling their sexual desire, and all of my clients and readers. So I started praying for them. As I channeled my sexual desire into prayer for others, I became a more disciplined and selfless man. I surfed the wave, and I overcame.

I can also use my sexual desire as a litmus for my accomplishments. If I’ve slacked in a week and haven’t accomplished as much as I could’ve, or if I haven’t stretched myself, I’ll have stronger and stronger desires to masturbate, or to watch porn—to let my desire control me. At first I didn’t connect the two. But one week recently, after a holiday, I found myself lying in bed, my mind racing with sexual thoughts.

I wanted to indulge them, and I began to. But then I thought, “What haven’t I done that I need to do? To live the life I really want to live?” The answer was write. So I channeled my sexual desire into two inspired articles, one after the other. Those articles went on to help tens of thousands of people live better lives. And, in the short term, they boosted my confidence, my sense of self, my professionalism, and my independence.

The more mindful I am of my sexual desire, and the more I channel it into high-value activities that bring me closer to my goals, the better I become as a man, friend, husband, lover, and role model. It’s difficult. And it’s not at all common for a man my age to live like this. But when it comes to the alternative—allowing myself to be bashed around by a desire that I wasn’t mature enough to control—it’s really not as hard.

Heartbreak is hard. Depression is hard. Losing your sense of self is hard. Divorce is hard. But being mindful of your desire and channeling it into your higher self…that just takes discipline. And guts. It’s difficult, but overall, life is infinitely better and more pleasurable. I direct my desire into my fitness and career and relationships—into my self improvement. And in doing so, I’ve created the career of my dreams. I’ve fought hard to earn my independence. I’ve transcended the toxic relationship patterns that had ruled my live. And I’ve become someone that I can be proud of.

I’m by no means perfect. I still struggle, and sometimes I falter. But each time I use my sexual desire as a reminder to accomplish the things I need to be whole, and to love my life, I grow as a person. Bit by bit. Those incremental gains have lifted me out of depression. They’ve made me independent. And they’ve altogether rewritten my life’s script.

Two years ago I was another lost millennial who lived on his mom’s couch and depended on everyone but himself. Today? I’m mentor and role model for my generation. I’ve blazed my own trail as a writer, as a coach. And because of my mindful approach on sexuality, I can count on growing as a man every single day. Anybody who has the courage to ride the wave can do the same.

Do you went to become the man or woman of your dreams? Do you want to learn how to love selflessly so that you can have the relationship of your dreams? Do you want to love the life you live?

Here are 5 steps that will put you in control of your sexual desire:

1. Have a plan for your life

If you don’t have a goal to focus your sexual desire on, you won’t be able to channel it through to a better and brighter you. So make goals for what you want to be, who you want to help, what kind of relationships you’ll have, and things like that. Write them down. Break down your goals into realistic steps. And start stepping. Make sure to have achievable goals that you can attack every single day; that way, you always know of some outlet to pour your sexual energy into.

2. Give up porn and masturbation

Never will there be a time when you can say, “I absolutely need to do this before anything else.”—referring to porn and masturbation. In fact, there’s always some self-improvement or career goal that needs to come first. So it’s best to cut P@M out of your life and to stop using them as crutches. Really, they’re just dumps for your sexual desire; better to channel that energy into your career and self-improvement.

3. Stay single for a year

Casual relationships are an easy dump for your sexual desire. For me, and for many people I know, they kept me from directing my desire into a higher cause—into the life I wanted. So, if you’re in a casual relationship right now—convenience based, founded on sex—get out. Get out of it as fast as you can, and before your life becomes permanently average. And if you’re not in one, make a commitment. Mark today as the first day of your single year. And commit to growing so much this year that, by the end, if you were to start a relationship, you’d be the selfless and successful kind of husband or wife who a partner could grow with for a lifetime, and raise a secure family with. That’s the extraordinary life that you want. And you’ll get it if you can learn to channel your impulses into self-improvement.

4. Be mindful of your sexual impulses

Most people feel sexy and then do something sexy and then look back on their heartbroken lives and wonder WTF. Not you. From now on, train your mind to become aware when sexual desire hits. Acknowledge the feeling. Be grateful for it. Then, instead of indulging it, ask yourself, “What haven’t I done?” Usually, that intense urge signals that your energy isn’t being directed into the life of your dreams. (If you’re married and you’re already living the life of your dreams, that urge will be a signal to pounce on your spouse.) Ask, “What could I be doing instead that would make me better at my career, that would make me more independent, that would make me more joyful?” Then do those things.

Those questions are hard as a mug to ask, especially when you’re being pounded with desire. Many times I feel like I’d rather give in and sink into the pleasure of myself. But that would be letting my desire control me; and I’ve already lived that life. It only brought me sadness, and it sunk my relationships with selfishness.

So keep asking those questions. Use sexual urges as reminders to check in on your progress. And if there are things you absolutely need to do—which there always will be—redirect your sexual energy into those accomplishments. It can be done. And when you do it, you’ll feel proud, accomplished, confident, and disciplined. And those are the emotions that will feed into your greatest personal achievements.

5-Get an accountability buddy

It’s easy to jump off the wagon when it’s just you. And it’s double easy when the path you’re on is so hard. But when you’ve got a buddy who can help keep you accountability, you quadruple your chances of success. And better still, you feed into their success.

So find someone who wants to walk the same path; who wants a life of constant improvement; who wants to grow in faith. Then share your journey together. Meet up once a week to talk about your struggles, and about your progress. Keep each other motivated and share the strategies that work. You’ll be glad that you did.

Hiring a personal coach is another option. I would help you come up with personalized plans to take control of your sexual desire and to create the life and success you dream of. Contact me today.

Written by Daniel Dowling